Thursday, March 11, 2010

Walking a Dark Road

Five weeks ago today, it felt like Satan took a baseball bat and knocked my knees out from under me, breaking both. For the next 18 days, I was able to occasionally lift my head only to have him kick hard enough to send me smashing my face into the ground. Then, on February 22, the darkness settled over me and I will never be the same. So many questions are swirling in my gut. Such a feeling of desperation – waking up in the middle of night fighting to breathe, like I am trying to help my precious daughter. Oh how my heart breaks!
Oh I hear the cliques about how happy she is in heaven but I cannot wrap my head around her being happy knowing David and Malaya are without her physical presence. I am writing this strictly to deal with my own journey of grief. I am not seeking advice. I have become quite reclusive except for my family.

There are 2 verses that I am soaking write now:

Isaiah 45: 3 – “I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name.”
This verse does not say that God gives the darkness but the treasures that can be found in it. How I never wanted to enter into this 'secret place' - every parent's nightmare.
While sadness is heavy, weighty, I do not feel alone. I know He is covering me, even though, may be in spite of, His silence. Oh I don’t like His silence!

Romans 15: 13 (Jenny’s favorite verse) - “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”

I trust in You, Precious Lord, even though I have no clue what You are doing!

20 comments:

Liz Moore said...

Beverly,
you are never far from my thoughts and my prayers. While I can not comprehend the pain you are feeling, I do understand what you are saying about God's silence. It's the silence that's so hard to understand. Though my silence is different than yours, I still understand the silence. And when you hear all the pat "church" answers (God understands, God knows what's best, just pray about it) not to be sacrilegious, but you just want to scream. When you are in the middle of something that no one else can truly understand or has a clue about, all the well meaning "right church things" to say, just don't help.

I have no advice for you, I just want you to know you are not alone. My prayers continue to be with you.

In my cries to the Lord here are a couple of verses I cling too.

Psalm 142:5-7 I cry to you, O Lord; I say, "You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living." Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need; rescue me from those who pursue me. Set me free from my prison, that I may praise your name.

Psalm 34:18-19 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

I love you my dear friend.

Andrea said...

Loving you, Beverly. Praying for you.

Lindsay Norsworthy said...

Sweet friend,
You are loved. Luke and I will not stop praying for your family. I can't even imagine the heartbreak. God have mercy on this precious family!

suzyj said...

No words, I have no words for you. You and your family continue as the back drop of all that I do right now. When I am forced to have other thoughts I feel you being eased back into first thoughts. My prayer remains simple. May you have strength to make it through each hour of each day.
Gently hold each other tightly!

Love you precious friend.

Melissa Taylor said...

You will get no advice from me...I have no idea what you are going through. I just know that I love you dearly and that I am praying for you.

Paige said...

I love you

Gorgana said...

Your thoughts about finding it hard to picture Jenny as happy while knowing that David and Malaya are without her physical presence express exactly what is the hardest thing for me to understand/grasp about heaven. Since that is a struggle for me and I have not yet experienced anything like what you are experiencing, I can't even imagine what your questions must be. But I love you and admire you and appreciate your sharing your journey with us. Praying for you always!

all things girly said...

this is what we are ALL here for, just to LISTEN!

Power Source Girls said...

Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing. Even though is it your journey, God is using it to help others on their journeys. Love you. Laura

Missionary's Missionary said...

Dear Beverly,

I want to say something comforting to you, but there are no words that could accomplish that task. My spirit groans in prayer for you. That's all I know to do right now. I love you.
Dottie

John, Emily, and Noah Wohlgemuth said...

Beverly, I cannot imagine what you are feeling but my heart hurts for you. I continue to pray for you and hope you can find the comfort in Him that you need. Thank you for sharing.

Sarah said...

Your grief haunts me -- I think of you often, and pray for you and your family without ceasing.

Thank you for sharing your journey with us -- I am so, so very sorry it is your journey.

sks said...

Bev-

My name is Sondra Stone, aunt of Vanessa Divin. Unlike the posts I have read, I know all too well how you feel and what you are going thru. May 14, 2004 my older son, Luke a sophomore at UTD-smartest kid ever besides his younger brother Shane who is a junior at UTD now, passed away. He had an undiagnosed thyroid condition and was experimenting with drugs. His heart stopped and mine has never been the same. The darkness you speak of I know well from that moment on. I still go there but not as often. It does get any easier as people will say. Just not true. When they say Jenny is happier in heaven or she is in a better place--not true either. The best place for a child is with their family and for Jenny to also leave kids behind evern amplifies that opinion. People don't know what to say but do take comfort in the fact that they want to comfort you and just simply don't know the right words to say. Actually there are no words--as you well know by now that make it bearable. Every birthday of our family, every holiday, every anniversary of Luke's death passes without an easing of the pain. The walk f darkness really never ends-but remember you will always be Jenny's mother. Abook that has helped me is called Learning to Live after Losing a Child-Beyond Tears by Ellen Mitchell. I have read it several times-no magic answers but it does help you to realize that you will live thru this horrible dark walk. You are changed forever, your family is changed for ever--normal has a new meaning to you and your family and your world. Find joy.

Sondra Stone

summer said...

Though I know you didn't write it for us, thank you for allowing us to hear your heart. The faithfulness of your family in the midst of this darkness is one of the most powerful testimonies I have ever witnessed. That said, I would give anything for it to have turned out differently. I don't begin to understand. But I choose to trust. I continue to ache with and for you.

sks said...

Bev-

I read thru my post and realized I had a typo--common occurance for me. I meant to say that id does NOT get any easier as people will tell you it does. sorry...

Rachel said...

I love you and I'm praying Ps 91:4 over you...that He will cover you with His feathers and under His wings you will find refuge.

fpatten said...

Jesus,

Thank you for being near to this family in their brokenness. Holy Spirit, I ask you to please fill Beverly with your consuming presence, from the top of her head to the bottom of her feet. I, too, pray you will cover her with your feathers, God, and protect her under your wings. Give her real feathers to see, touch and feel, so that she will KNOW you are with her. And God, I pray you will give her the ability to worship you, in this season, and in every season to follow. May she worship you like never before. On her face. Hands held high. In the valleys. On the mountaintops. And when the enemy hears worship and adoration pour from her heart, may he run scared in the name of Jesus.

Beverly,
I will continue to lift you and your family up. My heart has been in full intercession for you all.
Loving you from AR,
Felicia Patten (Sutherland)

Phillips Family said...

You and your sweet family are in our thoughts daily.

Lauren said...

Beverly,

This made me cry so hard for you! I am wrestling with my own questions too. Know that you are being covered in prayer by this heart. I wanted to know Jenny. I wanted to sit under her wisdom. Being only 27, I still have SO much to learn on this earthly journey about how to love Jesus desperately, wholeheartedly, and with reckless abandon! I want to know you too. I know your Josh and I just have to tell you that I love him so much. His passion and fervent pursuit of the Lord's heart blesses my life so much. I love you friend. Please know that you and Rick and your family are constantly on my heart and in my prayers! May you continue to seek His heart as you are on this journey of grief. He holds your heart and He is transforming all that you know in order that His glory may be made more rich, full, and vibrant in your life testimony. I am asking the Holy Spirit to give you deep portions of grace, supernatural courage, and love as you continue to put one foot in front of the other. Bless you!!

Lynn Leaming said...

Beverly,
I am so sorry you are on this journey. May you find as in Hinds Feet On High Places that you had someone beside you helping you put one foot in front of the other to take just the next step. A book that helped me during my "why's" is God On Mute. It is just hard to understand why the God who can do ANYTHING chooses not too. Still praying for you all!!