Five weeks ago today, it felt like Satan took a baseball bat and knocked my knees out from under me, breaking both. For the next 18 days, I was able to occasionally lift my head only to have him kick hard enough to send me smashing my face into the ground. Then, on February 22, the darkness settled over me and I will never be the same. So many questions are swirling in my gut. Such a feeling of desperation – waking up in the middle of night fighting to breathe, like I am trying to help my precious daughter. Oh how my heart breaks!
Oh I hear the cliques about how happy she is in heaven but I cannot wrap my head around her being happy knowing David and Malaya are without her physical presence. I am writing this strictly to deal with my own journey of grief. I am not seeking advice. I have become quite reclusive except for my family.
There are 2 verses that I am soaking write now:
Isaiah 45: 3 – “I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name.”
This verse does not say that God gives the darkness but the treasures that can be found in it. How I never wanted to enter into this 'secret place' - every parent's nightmare.
While sadness is heavy, weighty, I do not feel alone. I know He is covering me, even though, may be in spite of, His silence. Oh I don’t like His silence!
Romans 15: 13 (Jenny’s favorite verse) - “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”
I trust in You, Precious Lord, even though I have no clue what You are doing!