Thursday, February 03, 2011

No Clue

I've never been a very faithful blogger but last April, I decided to take a very, very long sabbatical. I did not know if I would ever return. My whole life had been ripped and broken - I have continued to journal, but very privately. My own thoughts don't make sense to me a lot of the time. I absolutely have lost my courage to write them for others to view. I can verbalize them face-to-face because then I can tell from my audience's eyes if I am going places too painful for them to bear. I have learned in the last year to 'give myself permission' to go at my own pace and do what I need to do at that moment to quiet my soul.
Well, tonight, I want to write so... I give myself permission to return to my blog. Be easy with me.

We have had 3 snow days in a row. Before last February 22, I would have jokingly said that the Lord gave these three days to me so I could sit in stillness and enjoy His presence. Now I'm not so sure God is as concerned about what conditions extrinsically quiet my heart but He has used these days as a gift for my reflection.

Here we are - February 3, 2011. This date last year, it was a Wednesday, my life was so rich, so sweet, so delightful. I wore a necklace daily that says, 'Blessed'. I didn't wear it that day and haven't worn it since. I will again, but not right now.

On February 3, I had no clue - no clue what was coming. Jenny was sick, so sick. We texted some that day. I tried to call but she texted back to say that talking was too painful. I offered, fairly forcefully, to come get her and take her to the doctor again. She refused because it had only been less than 48 hours since she had been to doctor and was diagnosed with the flu. No clue. I went through a normal day at my office - seeing clients. Miriam Cowles, a wonderful counselor from Carrollton, came over to work with me - it was her first day and she has been coming one day a week for this entire year. (God's timing - I'm positively certain!) No clue. I taught our women's class that night, one of the Names of God - I don't even remember which one. It doesn't matter. No clue. I texted Jenny when I got home from church to see how she was. No response, not that unusual. No clue. Before going to sleep, I checked my phone to make sure it wasn't on silent in case Jenny needed me in the night. I prayed and then slept. No clue.

February 3, 2010, was the last 'normal' day of my life. While this has all shocked us, and totally devastated us, it has not shocked or devastated Him. He saw it coming all along. He knew when He knit me together in my mother's womb that I would bury my first-born. (That doesn't roll off my fingers any easier than it rolls off my tongue. Those words still put me on the floor.) How have I survived the last year? Why am I still breathing?

God has called our family to do hard so we do hard. We continue to beg Him for His Light to shine on our path - it still seems so dark.

But His presence is absolutely thick over us!

Now I wear a necklace with my precious daughter's face. I cannot wait until the day I get to kiss her cheek, inhale her aroma and touch her hands, as she welcomes me into the doors of heaven and introduces me to Jesus.

Tomorrow is coming...