Thursday, February 03, 2011

No Clue

I've never been a very faithful blogger but last April, I decided to take a very, very long sabbatical. I did not know if I would ever return. My whole life had been ripped and broken - I have continued to journal, but very privately. My own thoughts don't make sense to me a lot of the time. I absolutely have lost my courage to write them for others to view. I can verbalize them face-to-face because then I can tell from my audience's eyes if I am going places too painful for them to bear. I have learned in the last year to 'give myself permission' to go at my own pace and do what I need to do at that moment to quiet my soul.
Well, tonight, I want to write so... I give myself permission to return to my blog. Be easy with me.

We have had 3 snow days in a row. Before last February 22, I would have jokingly said that the Lord gave these three days to me so I could sit in stillness and enjoy His presence. Now I'm not so sure God is as concerned about what conditions extrinsically quiet my heart but He has used these days as a gift for my reflection.

Here we are - February 3, 2011. This date last year, it was a Wednesday, my life was so rich, so sweet, so delightful. I wore a necklace daily that says, 'Blessed'. I didn't wear it that day and haven't worn it since. I will again, but not right now.

On February 3, I had no clue - no clue what was coming. Jenny was sick, so sick. We texted some that day. I tried to call but she texted back to say that talking was too painful. I offered, fairly forcefully, to come get her and take her to the doctor again. She refused because it had only been less than 48 hours since she had been to doctor and was diagnosed with the flu. No clue. I went through a normal day at my office - seeing clients. Miriam Cowles, a wonderful counselor from Carrollton, came over to work with me - it was her first day and she has been coming one day a week for this entire year. (God's timing - I'm positively certain!) No clue. I taught our women's class that night, one of the Names of God - I don't even remember which one. It doesn't matter. No clue. I texted Jenny when I got home from church to see how she was. No response, not that unusual. No clue. Before going to sleep, I checked my phone to make sure it wasn't on silent in case Jenny needed me in the night. I prayed and then slept. No clue.

February 3, 2010, was the last 'normal' day of my life. While this has all shocked us, and totally devastated us, it has not shocked or devastated Him. He saw it coming all along. He knew when He knit me together in my mother's womb that I would bury my first-born. (That doesn't roll off my fingers any easier than it rolls off my tongue. Those words still put me on the floor.) How have I survived the last year? Why am I still breathing?

God has called our family to do hard so we do hard. We continue to beg Him for His Light to shine on our path - it still seems so dark.

But His presence is absolutely thick over us!

Now I wear a necklace with my precious daughter's face. I cannot wait until the day I get to kiss her cheek, inhale her aroma and touch her hands, as she welcomes me into the doors of heaven and introduces me to Jesus.

Tomorrow is coming...

12 comments:

Melanie said...

Oh how I love you.

I was thinking of you tonight. Actually I was at a concert and they were singing a sweet song and I couldn't help but think and wonder and I'm pretty sure she's missing you terriby tonight too. I am so very thankful you are walking the hard path showing us His light instead of Satan's intended broken and destroyed path. There is so much beauty in these Ashes. Hard, painful beauty, but there just the same. Love you and yours. Always.

Sarah said...

You said to only click over if I could commit to praying. It's all I can do, friend. I know God hears my prayers, yet it feels like so little in the face of your pain.

I totally get not blogging... needing to see in people's eyes what they can take or not. I was made aware of the same thing recently when I read that in a book: someone asked a grieving friend how she was doing. The grieving friend knew that the other friend needed to be protected from what it was really like. I just cannot imagine. I'm so sorry this is your path.

Loving your family and praying.

Liz Moore said...

I continue to pray over you my precious, precious friend! Your strength and courage continue to show that you choose Him. I love you!

Miranda said...

Committed to prayer for you and yours. Have been for the past year. And always will be. Love you sweet Beverly.

bartsirmandvm said...

I am praying God will take you where He wants you, reveal to you what He wants you to see and shower His peace on you, Rick, David, Malaya and the whole family. I wish I could help your hurt, but I can, and will, pray.

Janis said...

Beverly, thanks for sharing again. You have always been a big help to me, now I will pray for you. May God's light shine on your path, as you helped His light shine on my path.

Janis

Lauren said...

I have no words. I have been covering all of you in prayer and that will not ever stop. I'm so very thankful that the Lord has crossed our paths. Please keep writing here. Your spirit and heart are beautiful and I have learned volumes by your choice to be intensely authentic and raw about where you and your family are in your journey. You are such a rich blessing, Beverly!

Tiersa said...

i never knew what faith looked like until i saw it in you. i saw it our days at mesquite, a year ago, and i see it now. most of all, our God is faithful especially when we don't always feel his nearness, his presence. he is ever present, ever faithful. i really don't know what to say except that our hearts ache for you - with you. we have committed to praying for you since that day and are resolved to continue to do so. we love you all. jason, tiersa, mason, kacey, jacob & bowen

Janet said...

I clicked over because I do think of you often & wanted to know exactly what I could commit to praying for you. I love you, girl. I hate the circumstances that have brought us together & formed the bond we would rather not have but... As always God knows what he's doing. Continually praying for you sweet friend. Can't wait to hug you on Monday. Love ya!

dchront said...

Beverly,
I wanted you to know that I will be praying that each day is not so hard. I pray each day the pain will be less and less. Thank you for sharing your heart.
Love you, Debbie T.

Lindsay Norsworthy said...

I love your sweet family and I do promise to keep begging God to be near to you all. Love you Beverly!

Moore Memories said...

Beverly,
I am always in awe of your honesty and feel as if I have an even clearer picture of how to pray. Praying that God will continue to hold your sweet family in the palm of His hands during this unimaginable pain.
Love,
Holly Garrett moore