Who would have thought we would still be breathing without our Jenny? I woke up at 4:30 this morning going over all the events of February 22 - one more time. I have spent the day just trying to finish thank you notes - please know how grateful we have been! The Lord has been pouring His love on us through His people. There have been so many sweet moments. Today, we have received precious messages and even a gorgeous spring bouquet from a family in Houston. Spring is normally my favorite season - I love the newness! This arrangement fills me with hope that I will enjoy vibrant colors again.
I am trying to share some on Wednesday nights. I know it is weird but I feel calmer telling my girlfriends that I am sharing - definitely not teaching. I feel too whipped out to have anything to teach - but I feel a calling on my soul to share. I want to talk about Jenny. I want to talk about God. I want to calm the fear I see in people's eyes that seems to come just from my presence these days. I know they love me and hurt so much to see me wearing such heavy pain. I have to wear it though. It is where I am. I believe - oh, how I believe, that authenticity breeds authenticity. I crave realness! so...
I met with my good friend and colleague, Vicki Straughan, a grief therapist, on Tuesday for about 6 hours. We met at Esperanza's because Joe T's was closed at 2:30. Then about 7, we went across the street to Joe's to finish our 'session'. Rick joined us for the enchiladas. I loved our time together. I love that she let me sort out every detail. I love that she wanted to know. I love that she loves me. Vicki says we are handling everything very well. So this is what it feels like to be doing the grief-walk well?
I have never enjoyed reading Job - who does? But lately I have been going through this book from Eugene Peterson's work, The Message. I want to close with a verse from the end of Job 3:
"The worst of my fears has come true,
what I've dreaded most has happened.
My repose is shattered, my peace destroyed.
No rest for me, ever - death has invaded life."
Yes, death has invaded life but so has the Holy Spirit. He is pouring His peace on me and giving me rest - even as I continue to groan. (For those of you who know I have been unable to do anything but groan in my conversation with the Lord, the last few days - I have been able to use a few words.)