Thursday, April 22, 2010

Two Months Ago Today

Who would have thought we would still be breathing without our Jenny? I woke up at 4:30 this morning going over all the events of February 22 - one more time. I have spent the day just trying to finish thank you notes - please know how grateful we have been! The Lord has been pouring His love on us through His people. There have been so many sweet moments. Today, we have received precious messages and even a gorgeous spring bouquet from a family in Houston. Spring is normally my favorite season - I love the newness! This arrangement fills me with hope that I will enjoy vibrant colors again.

I am trying to share some on Wednesday nights. I know it is weird but I feel calmer telling my girlfriends that I am sharing - definitely not teaching. I feel too whipped out to have anything to teach - but I feel a calling on my soul to share. I want to talk about Jenny. I want to talk about God. I want to calm the fear I see in people's eyes that seems to come just from my presence these days. I know they love me and hurt so much to see me wearing such heavy pain. I have to wear it though. It is where I am. I believe - oh, how I believe, that authenticity breeds authenticity. I crave realness! so...

I met with my good friend and colleague, Vicki Straughan, a grief therapist, on Tuesday for about 6 hours. We met at Esperanza's because Joe T's was closed at 2:30. Then about 7, we went across the street to Joe's to finish our 'session'. Rick joined us for the enchiladas. I loved our time together. I love that she let me sort out every detail. I love that she wanted to know. I love that she loves me. Vicki says we are handling everything very well. So this is what it feels like to be doing the grief-walk well?

I have never enjoyed reading Job - who does? But lately I have been going through this book from Eugene Peterson's work, The Message. I want to close with a verse from the end of Job 3:

"The worst of my fears has come true,
what I've dreaded most has happened.
My repose is shattered, my peace destroyed.
No rest for me, ever - death has invaded life."

Yes, death has invaded life but so has the Holy Spirit. He is pouring His peace on me and giving me rest - even as I continue to groan. (For those of you who know I have been unable to do anything but groan in my conversation with the Lord, the last few days - I have been able to use a few words.)

10 comments:

Donna said...

Beverly, I am so deeply grateful that you are still able to groan! We are still out here standing against Satan for you and your precious family. We love you guys!

Heather said...

I am so blessed to know you. You bless me even through your grief. Praying for you and love you very much!

Brooks Inc. said...

I love your heart Beverly! Thank you for sharing in your grief, in your deep heartache, even in your groans... The Lord tells us the Spirit is active in the midst of those and He is... Interceding for you and simultaneously blessing us...oh how I love you! Praying for you and yours continuosly!

Diane said...

Beverly
Each one of you continue to be on my heart. How my heart hurts for you and your sweet family. Thank you for your transparency, for sharing your love for Jenny. Continuing to pray for all of you.
Love and Blessings, Diane P

John, Emily, and Noah Wohlgemuth said...

Beverly,

Thank you for sharing. I am grateful you are 'real' and always have been. You are a truly blessing to me in so many ways!

You are part of my testimony as a woman of God who I look up to and helped me fall in love with Jesus. Love you.

Lynn Leaming said...

"authenticity breeds authenticity", one thing I know for sure is no one could ever accuse you of not being authentic. The way that you have shared your feelings during this most difficult walk through the valley of the shadow of death has blessed us all. We debate in our own minds if we were asked to take the same journey whether we would be able to do it as well as you, David, Rick and the rest of the family have done?? Thanks for showing us in the flesh what it looks like when our "God of all comfort" keeps His I Corinthians promise. Love U!!

Lauren said...

Wow, this blessed me so much, Beverly! I too crave authenticity. I cannot stand anything counterfeit or fake in any situation! I am so thankful that you were able to talk out where you are to a loving friend in Vicki. Six hours of sharing your heart with her must have brought some clarity and a semblance of healing. I am contending constantly. Love you, friend!

Rick Ross said...

Wow! The Job passage sure speaks to us, doesn't it?

Liz Moore said...

Beverly,

My heart and prayers are with you daily. I am so grateful for the way you are allowing God to use you through the toughest time in your life. Even though you are "sharing", you are teaching. You are teaching us all what it means to be truly and utterly dependent upon God for every breath we take. You are showing us what it means to trust... to trust in the best of times, to trust in the worst of times. Your faith has always been an inspiration to me. And even now in your darkest of days, you still encourage me and point me to the Father. May God fill you with exactly what you need for each day. I love you dear friend.

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." Psalm 91

Charla @ Healthy Home Blog said...

Your family is in my thoughts and prayers, especially this month!
You are touching so many hearts with your faith. (I met you in January of last year at Southside's LIFT.)